"Relationships cannot be managed!" said Peter F. Drucker several times in my presence. He was especially emphatic about this point when he learned about the birth of my first daughter. "Don't try to manage your family, Gary!" he warned. "It's impossible." And of course, as with so many things, the Father of Modern Management was right on the mark.

This is one of the fundamental reasons I take issue with what is called Customer Relationship Management or CRM. If it is a genuine relationship, Professor Drucker's notion applies. It cannot be managed. And if it isn't a relationship, why deceive yourself into believing it is? Business and relationships can mix, but not the CRM way. CRM is based on a contingent reward system, much like a frequent flyer program.

Fly with us and we'll give you miles. Fly more, and we'll give you even more miles. And be among our top passengers, and we'll respond with yet more miles. That's a mercenary proposition, because the minute you stop flying, you stop earning miles. And if you cut way back, the carrier cuts your entitlement level from Executive Platinum to Platinum to Gold, to Silver, to Ordinary to We Don't Even Want to Know You, Anymore.

Unlike CRM, a real interpersonal relationship doesn't strive to achieve a perfect quid pro quo, i.e. parity in what we give and what we get. In fact, the marital vows even mention "for better or for worse." Try cutting that deal with a commercial airline or with any business that has a frequency program. Indeed, many real relationships are lopsided for a very long time. Take parenting. As grown-ups we give and give and keep giving for a long, long time. There's nothing wrong with this. In fact, parental giving is a pleasure to do, mostly, because it is an act of love. And there are several rewards, but they tend to be intrinsic.

It would be preposterous for a mom or dad to say: "You know, I put out a lot of energy today, and my baby didn't smile back, enough. She OWES me!" Genuine relationships are largely UNCONDITIONAL. In behavioral psychology this is called a NON-CONTINGENT reward system.

I do for you because I want to do for you. It feels good, much like giving you a gift just for the heck of it. Businesses that want to create true relationships need to say I LIKE YOU in non-mercenary, non-contingent ways. In a word, we need to GIFT OUR CUSTOMERS FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Not every day, because then it would seem like an entitlement and an obligation. It would mimic a contingent reward scheme.

Gifting customers every now and then is even better. We know from research that intermittent rewards, unexpected benefits, windfalls and jackpots are more reinforcing than regular, unchanging payouts. Slot machines and nearly every game of chance in a casino operates on this pleasure principle. If a payoff occurred every time, it wouldn't be gambling.

And there's good reason to believe it would be a lot less fun. A classic "Twilight Zone" story portrayed a gunned down gangster who awoke to find a friendly guide that would grant his every wish. He asked for a casino spree where he couldn't lose, and that's exactly what he got. At blackjack, roulette, the dice table, every bet was rewarded.

Quickly tiring of this he lamented to his guide, "If this is heaven, I want to go to the other place!" "This IS the other place," the guide grinned, devilishly. In a future article I'll show how genuine customer LOYALTY is impossible to achieve through typical rewards programs. For now, let me give you this hint. Loyalty means someone will stick by you not only when everything is peachy, but also you when you mess up, repeatedly; when you disappoint them, when a new suitor promises them a much better bargain.

Indeed, if they're really loyal, they'll DEFEND YOU when you disappoint. How many of your customers will do THAT for you based on your CRM program?